i’m angry. i’m resentful. i don’t know where to begin.
a best friend and i just had a really deep conversation about how private i am about my sex/relationship life. i am unable to allow anyone to get close to me in that way. learning about doctors as a for-profit industry [medical industrial complex] has equipped me with the tools to describe my anger in words.
i am ANGRY that i have never felt ownership of my body in the last 20 years.
i RESENT the fact that the only way i can own my body is to stay away from doctors and people. to stay away and never let anyone near. this has been very detrimental in my physical health and emotional relationships that require physical closeness.
i am forever SCARRED by movies, news stories, authorities, religion, and people who have told me that my existence as a disabled person, a woman of color, as a queer person, as a queer disabled woman of color is reprehensible [to be blamed] and ugly.
i am FRUSTERATED that a life of surgeries, biopsies [tests], physical therapy, and appointments with every specialist has left me feeling like i have lost parts of me for some unknown quest to be normal (that was not even wanted or requested by me).
i can’t believe that all these years later it is leaving such a real big imprint on my life and how i interact with people. i hate this. i hate them. and at this point, i don’t even have the energy to hate right now.
where the hell does this leave me? how do i claim my body as my own? does anyone know?
friend (7:27:04 PM): not w/ me, but PURELY in hypothetical world, would u ever have a 3some?
friend (7:27:13 PM): w/ someone in general
Proud2bCrip (7:27:24 PM): if i trusted them
Proud2bCrip (7:27:36 PM): i have weird hang-ups w/ letting ppl close in relationshpis
Proud2bCrip (7:27:41 PM): if you haven’t noticed yet
friend (7:27:46 PM): HAHAHAHA
Proud2bCrip (7:27:52 PM): i mean not friendships
Proud2bCrip (7:27:54 PM): but relationships
friend (7:27:58 PM): yes
friend (7:28:03 PM): i have noticed somewhat
friend (7:28:10 PM): from ur stories
Proud2bCrip (7:28:16 PM): lol
friend (7:28:23 PM): and ur soooo private about it
Proud2bCrip (7:28:24 PM): that’s quite an understatement huh?
friend (7:28:38 PM): i can’t even imagine trying to seduce u into a 3some
Proud2bCrip (7:28:46 PM): geez, thanks a lot
friend (7:28:51 PM): no i mean
friend (7:28:57 PM): ur uber hot
friend (7:29:12 PM): but ur sooo private about ur sex life
friend (7:29:23 PM): i’m always talkin about who i have or want to bone
Proud2bCrip (7:29:31 PM): i know, it scares me to be like that
friend (7:29:31 PM): and i have NO IDEA about u
friend (7:29:57 PM): so if u can’t even talk about it, i can’t imagine trying to seduce u into doing it
Proud2bCrip (7:30:03 PM): right
friend (7:30:18 PM): that’s all i meant
Proud2bCrip (7:30:19 PM): so the woman i was telling you about, we talked a lot about our bodies not being ours
Proud2bCrip (7:30:27 PM): as disabled women in the medical industrial complex
Proud2bCrip (7:30:32 PM): and it’s sooo tied to that for me
friend (7:30:37 PM): mmmm
Proud2bCrip (7:30:39 PM): i fear being close to someone like i fear doctors
friend (7:30:45 PM): i think i understand
friend (7:30:48 PM): explain more?
Proud2bCrip (7:31:01 PM): once you let them in, you have no control w/ what happens
Proud2bCrip (7:31:10 PM): the only way to own your body is to stay far away
Proud2bCrip (7:31:13 PM): re: doctors
friend (7:31:27 PM): ahhhh
Proud2bCrip (7:31:28 PM): i know that doesn’t work in relationships
friend (7:31:30 PM): i understand
Proud2bCrip (7:31:32 PM): so it’s really frustrating