almost done

i’m feeling tired. used. trapped. manipulated. disenchanted. broken. frustrated. claustrophobic. tokenized. tired.

tired.

tired.

where’s all the good poetry and music now when i need it?

a few more months and i’m done with this political bullshit. gonna get the money and go far far away. done begging, done having to ally with liars, done being used.

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23 Comments

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23 responses to “almost done

  1. Are any parts of Hawaii accessible? I want to go far away and I’m thinking Hawaii… :).

  2. ah yes, hawaii. i went a few years ago, very accessible as far as i remember. except the volcano was a bit hard to manage 😛

  3. hey… i’m kind of assuming that this post relates to the “burnout” thread on your google group (i joined it, read some stuff, but am not really all that sure how google groups “works”, so… might end up posting regularly there, but am not sure yet)… but i hope the disability rights movement doesn’t count as part of the “political bullshit” you want to get away from… because it needs people like you, and, even though i’m in a different continent so arguably my views don’t matter much to your specificity, i’d definitely miss your powerful and inspiring writing about it…

    (shit, i know “inspiring” is a bit of a nasty word… i just used it on Elizabeth’s blog in the same context and felt similarly about it… but i can’t think of an English word that expresses what i mean better…)

    “where’s all the good poetry and music now when i need it?”

    now i want to send you a CD (i love putting CDs together for people with tunes i associate with them/think will inspire them… agghh, sorry that word again)… but, again, you’re in the US so it would probably take like 3 weeks to reach you from here or something…

    please keep kicking ass, anyway 🙂

  4. Since I don’t think pics are allowed on your comments . . .

  5. Let me know if that works. I can’t yet tell if it only works for me or if it would work for everyone else. 🙂

  6. As for your current state (the pic was meant to address that too, but I realize now that I was a bit ambiguous about the entire thing) –

    The Wind – by Cat Stevens

    I listen to the wind
    To the wind of my soul
    Where I’ll end up well I think,
    Only God really knows
    I’ve sat upon the setting sun
    But never, never never never
    I never wanted water once
    No, never, never, never

    I listen to my words but
    They fall far below
    I let my music take me where
    My heart wants to go
    I swam upon the devil’s lake
    But never, never never never
    I’ll never make the same mistake
    No, never, never, never

  7. And then there’s always Paul Williams (the voice of the Penguin from Batman: The Animated Series). This is called the Phantom’s Theme:

    Half asleep I hear a voice
    Is it only in my mind
    Or is it someone calling me someone I failed and left behind

    To work it out I let them in
    All the good guys and the bad guys that I’ve been
    All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
    Come together in me now

    Face to face I greet the cast
    Set in silence we begin
    Companions in an empty room I taste their victory and sin

    To work it out I let them in
    All the good guys and the bad guys that I’ve been
    All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
    Come together in me now

    A tale of beauty and the beast
    I defend my soul from those who would accuse me
    I share the famine and the feast
    I have been the world and felt it turning seen the jester yearning to amuse me

    Like a circus on parade
    Seldom close enough to see
    I wander through an angry crowd and wonder what became of me

    To work it out I let them in
    All the good guys and the bad guys that I’ve been
    All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
    Come together in me now

  8. From the musical Spring Awakening:

    All that’s known
    In History, in Science
    Overthrown
    At school, at home, by blind men

    You doubt them
    And soon they bark and hound you-
    Till everything you say is just another bad about you

    All they say
    Is “Trust in What is Written”
    Wars are made
    And somehow that is wisdom

    Thought is suspect
    And money is their idol
    And nothing is okay unless it’s scripted in their Bible

    But I know
    There’s so much more to find-
    Just in looking through myself
    And not at them

    Still, I know
    To trust my own true mind
    And to say: there’s a way through this

    On I go
    To wonder and to learning
    Name the stars and know their dark returning

    I’m calling
    To know the world’s true yearning-
    The hunger that a child feels for everything they’re shown

    You watch me-
    Just watch me-
    I’m calling
    And one day all will know

    You watch me-
    Just watch me-
    I’m calling, I’m calling.
    And one day all will know

  9. From Fame, “Out Here On My Own.”

    Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been
    Who I am
    Do I fit in.
    Make believin’ is hard alone,
    Out here on my own

    We’re always provin’ who we are
    Always reachin’ for the risin’ star
    To guide me far
    And shine me home
    Out here on my own

    When I’m down and feelin’ blue
    I close my eyes so I can be with you
    Oh, baby, be strong for me
    Baby, belong to me
    Help me through
    Help me need you

    Until the morning sun appears
    Making light of all my fears
    I dry the tears
    I’ve never shown
    Out here on my own

    When I’m down and feelin’ blue
    I close my eyes so I can be with you
    Oh, baby, be strong for me
    Baby, belong to me
    Help me through
    Help me need you

    Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been
    Who I am
    Do I fit in
    I may not win
    But I can’t be thrown
    Out here on my own
    On my own

    =======
    Okay, I swear I’m stopping now.

  10. Okay, so I said that . . . but . . . here:

    I want to live where soul meets body
    And let the sun wrap its arms around me
    And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
    And feel, feel what its like to be new

    Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
    Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
    So they may have a chance of finding a place
    where they’re far more suited than here

    I cannot guess what we’ll discover
    We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
    But I know our filthy hand can wash one another’s
    And not one speck will remain

    I do believe it’s true
    That there are roads left in both of our shoes
    If the silence takes you
    Then I hope it takes me too
    So brown eyes I hold you near
    Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
    A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

    Where soul meets body
    Where soul meets body
    Where soul meets body

    I do believe it’s true
    That there are roads left in both of our shoes
    If the silence takes you
    Then I hope it takes me too
    So brown eyes I hold you near
    Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
    A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
    A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
    A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
    A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

    Death Cab for Cutie – Soul Meets Body

  11. You said poems too . . .

    Hope

    Hope is the thing with feathers
    That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune–without the words,
    And never stops at all,

    And sweetest in the gale is heard;
    And sore must be the storm
    That could abash the little bird
    That kept so many warm.

    I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
    And on the strangest sea;
    Yet, never, in extremity,
    It asked a crumb of me.

    Emily Dickinson

  12. Okay, just this one more and then I’m going to bed so I can get up and go to class!

    Alone
    by Maya Angelou

    Lying, thinking

    Last night

    How to find my soul a home

    Where water is not thirsty

    And bread loaf is not stone

    I came up with one thing

    And I don’t believe I’m wrong

    That nobody,

    But nobody

    Can make it out here alone.

    Alone, all alone

    Nobody, but nobody

    Can make it out here alone.

    There are some millionaires

    With money they can’t use

    Their wives run round like banshees

    Their children sing the blues

    They’ve got expensive doctors

    To cure their hearts of stone.

    But nobody

    No, nobody

    Can make it out here alone.

    Alone, all alone

    Nobody, but nobody

    Can make it out here alone.

    Now if you listen closely

    I’ll tell you what I know

    Storm clouds are gathering

    The wind is gonna blow

    The race of man is suffering

    And I can hear the moan,

    ‘Cause nobody,

    But nobody

    Can make it out here alone.

    Alone, all alone

    Nobody, but nobody

    Can make it out here alone.

  13. cilla thanks. i love you seriously.

    shiva, making CDs is what i do for inspiration too.
    there are many different aspects to the movement (well more of community b/c you can be doing disability stuff that’s not radical or related to the movement) so i want to stop really doing the political side of that and start doing more community cultural stuff. here in the US a lot of people think that that political bullshit (serving on boards, getting caught up in nonprofits, etc.) IS the movement— and i suppose *some* of it can be— but really it stops change from happening because it’s often, really really often, bureaucratic self-serving crap. i went to a meeting this friday where i was totally used (a step up passed tokenized) and it was really frusterating. it makes me sad to think people can actually think they’re “leading” the movement by doing this sort of stuff. i want to see the US disability rights movement shift back to mass people power. would love to hear more about how it is in the UK, i don’t know a lot about disability over there except that you guys are doing some really rad stuff and started differently (probably better) way than we did here.

    val aka lastcrazyhorn, you are the BEST. that picture totally made my 2008 already good. those are some awesome lyrics too, can’t wait to go online and take a listen. maybe that’s what we can do for each other instead of make cds? : ) thank you, my friend.

    and musicals! i love musicals! we’ll have to talk shop.

  14. ps. there aren’t many emily dickinson poems i like but that’s beautiful. one of my favorite spoken word pieces is called Hope by Joanna Hoffman. you have to listen to it!! here: http://www.podcastdirectory.com/podshows/1413309

  15. 🙂

    *is glad you liked her bazillion posts*

  16. i hope you find what you need to pull through this. the world needs you! now more than ever maybe… it’s always when we’re most tired that we’re most needed.

  17. Yall come visit! 😀

    But forgodsake, wait until the South Carolina primary is over, and all the politicians have left the state! haha!

  18. Ah, THAT kind of “political bullshit”. Thankfully that kind of “inside the tent” stuff hardly shows up on my radar – i’m so far “outside the tent” that most of the time i don’t even realise there is a tent 😉

    The nearest i came to being involved in anything like that was the Equality 2025 conference, in my post on which i touched on some of the strange dissonance between the “mainstream” of disability politics and my anarchist, direct action background… generally, i just stay with the direct action approach (tho i sadly haven’t had the opportunity to do much of that with regard to directly-disablity-related stuff yet… tho that may change soon), writing about more culture/identity/theory stuff, and building links between the disability movement and other radical/autonomous social movements…

    As to the UK disability movement… not sure how much there is online about the history of it TBH. DAN (Disabled People’s Direct Action Network) have a website, but it’s currently kind of stalled in beta stage and doesn’t really have any history stuff on yet, tho there is a bit here

    Actually, Leeds University’s Centre for Disability Studies Archive is probably quite a good place to start…

    Oh yeah, if we’re posting lyrics here, do you like Saul Williams? Two of my favourites by him are Wine and Talk To Strangers (not sure if those lyrics are 100% complete or correct, need to listen to the tracks again and double check)…

  19. Reading “We, the Dangerous” by Janice Mirikitani & thinking of you.
    “And yet we were not devoured / And yet we were not humbled. / And yet we are not broken.”

  20. I know how you feel, especially in Disability Rights and politricks in general. Sometimes, we do need a get away, a second breath. Don’t get discouraged. None of this is ever easy.

  21. Sister, I feel you! Hang in there and don’t give up. The movement needs people like you. It can be really tough, sometimes, I know intimately. But, we (you) cannot afford to give up. THEY win if you do.

  22. hang in there. I know how you’re feeling, and it sucks, but it’s not permanent.

    Do you like Girlyman? I think you would, if you don’t already.

    My favorite musicals are Assassins and Once On This Island. I’d be happy to burn them for if you like …

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