i don’t really do Ifs

I’ve never known how to embrace If
Funny since I was born an idealist
& Never have been one of those practicing realists
Maybe this no-ifs-policy is a defense mech’
‘Cause once If gets started,
It becomes a running faucet of unanswerable questions.
Like what if I wasn’t disabled?
Maybe I’d be rich;
after all, I wouldn’t have to stay under the poverty level
in order to keep insurance that would cover my home health nurses
Maybe I’d go to a nice school in Washington…
but I’m not sure I’d be interested in politics
if it didn’t affect me as much
So is that even a fair question to ask?
I am disabled just like I’m female
Just like I’m queer
Just like I’m Korean
Just like I’m 20 years old
There are no ifs about it.
Yet non-disabled people enjoy summing this up as not having “hope”
(that’s their reasoning for why a lot of us are anti-stem cell)
But the thing is…
I have hope– lots of it.
Hope for a community that actually recognizes it’s a community
Hope for an end to my current state of unhappiness
Hope for justice, pride, solidarity.
I just don’t waste my hope on silly things
Like wishing I could walk again.

My dear friend Kara put together a great blog carnival this week and I couldn’t figure out why I could come up with an entry.. Check it out, there are a lot of good “if” questions—like, IF society was different, what would our lives be like?


Filed under community, crip culture, disability, writing/poetry

7 responses to “i don’t really do Ifs

  1. I love that interesting, multi-faceted word “hope”–it usually means–what I hope for, not what you hope for.

    I learned that “spiritual hope” was hope for salvation, and people who use the word HOPE in an earthly realm (wishing for something to happen in this life) were at best 1) existentially mistaken and at worst 2) blaspheming. So when people talk about “hope” that way, it still seems somewhat improper to me…

  2. This was totally worth the wait:-) You actually managed to capture the exact reason that it took me about an extra week to announce this theme-to me, they feel very much like a running fawcet once you get started in some directions, but I’m glad I chose it because there were so many awesome posts. Thanks for putting the cherry on top my happy weekend (and for posting the link again so more can hopefully enjoy it!).

  3. Liz

    You are so engaged in life and present in the moment. Some people go their whole lives and never have what you have at 20 years of age. I think you’re amazing. 🙂

  4. that was really good and powerful! thanks for sharing it.

    and i’m working on articulating my ideas – i don’t know if anti-stem cell is quite accurate, but not pro stem-cell would definitely describe them.

  5. NO

    ifs. they get you every time. it’s when i get overwhelmed by ifs that i try and stop to listen to my heart – to what i know. i think your poem describes that beautifully.
    i think in the end hope is the most important thing. with it change happens, with out it people settle and lose themselves. keep being your beautiful self. 🙂

  6. mic

    beautiful words…

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